Work Text:
(Warning: any bias towards Archie is entirely purposeful…I’m an Archie fan, what can I say!?!)
‘I want to be a singer!’ lieutenant Archie Kennedy proclaimed to his shipmates one day.
‘Are you ou’ o’ your tree?’ yelled Matthews.
‘No…my tree is here and I’m in it!’ Called Archie from the 50-foot mountain ash he got for his birthday from the crew.
‘Have you lost your Marbles?’ Horatio called up to him.
‘No, I want to be a singer and I want–to- (cue music) SIIIIIIING!!!!’
‘No,’ said Horatio ‘I meant did you misplace your marbles? I found these in the mess’ he held out a handful of round, glass marbles.
‘Oh.’
‘But now that you mention it, I also want to be a singer…THE…HIIIILS ARE ALI-’ sang Horatio but Archie cut through:
‘NO WAY! You are not going to take away my dream!’
‘Don’t be stupid, it’s not your dream.’
‘Yes it is. I’ve wanted to since I was 2 but my papa thought it was wussy.’
‘Na-ah’ said Horatio lamely
‘Ya-ha’ Archie retorted
‘I haff to say,Mista ‘Ornblower, Mista. Kennedy’s gocha there, mister’ornblower’ slurred Styles
Horatio greased off Styles and said to Archie:
‘Well I’ve wanted it since I was…1 years old’
‘It’s one year without an ‘s’ and you only turned one yesterday, miss Hornblower.’
‘That’s not true,’ said Horatio - tears welling up (*sniffle*) - sticking his thumb in his mouth.
‘Well, if you think so, Horatio, then we can have a sing off.’ Archie said with a gleam in his eye.
‘A-a “s-sing off”? What’s that?’
‘Ready? Set? GO!’ a whistle’s shriek reverberated through the air.
‘It’s time to S-S-S-SSSSSING.’ Yelled Archie, trying to copy the start of a Chinese anime show he had seen, you-tee or yoo-bee-po, maybe it was yugi-oh….whatever.
‘Archie started by singing all of die zuberflöte (the magic flute) including “The Queen Of The Nile”, which is the highest opera piece in the history of opera pieces.
‘aaah, ah aaahh, ah aaaaaaaaaaaahh, aaaaah, aaaaaaaaaaahh!!!!’ sang Archie.
Then Horatio did the works of Queen. Including attempting to sing all four parts of bohemian raphsody. ‘gallileo, gallileo’ sang Horatio.
Then Archie cut across him, singing Michael Jackson’s ‘Thriller’! “it’s a thriller ‘ooh’!!”
But Wait! Then Horatio cut across him singing ‘black Swana’!
And then Archie sang through with ‘summer days’!
It went on for an Age, long into the night, until, suddenly, Horatio stopped and everyone stared at him, there was a bullet in his ear and he was chucking a tantrum.
‘That’s much better!’ said a voice. They turned around to see Captain Pellew with his gun out grinning.
‘I can’t stand that baby; get him down to the sickbay, lads. I think Mr Kennedy won!’
(I told you; I am an Archie fan!)
A great cheer pierced the night and back in England they turned their ears to the bay and said to each other: ‘Mr Kennedy won, Mr Kennedy won, rejoice, for soon we will see him mincing down the red carpet, smiling and licking his lips and flashing his sapphire bullets and saying things like: “not quite twenty” and “from acting lieutenant to commander of a dung cart in no more than a step, my career is looking up!” and even Joan rivers will complement him without missing a beat!!’
(I told you, I’m an Archie fan!)
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.