Archie re-read William’s letter and sighed. It was too carefully composed, full of words designed to express no emotion at all, an obvious sign of William’s despondency.
Archie had known when the initial happiness of returning home had faded; William would have difficulty in accepting both his physical infirmity, and the grim reality that the possibility of returning to sea was greatly diminished. The Admiralty were foolish with their appointments, Archie knew, just as he knew that William would be a fine ship’s captain.
Horatio’s surprising optimism at William’s ability to adjust had frustrated and alarmed Archie. He had realised then just how much his friend had altered, how little he now saw beyond command and duty.
Archie knew he should say something, but he was bitterly aware that there was little he could do. He hoped that soon he would be able to speak to William about his worries, and that then they could both talk to Horatio.
In the week that he and William had spent together before their new assignments pulled them apart, Archie hadn’t asked any of the questions he’d wanted to ask, nor raised any of his pressing concerns.
He hadn’t wanted anything to spoil their time together. William was alive, and they were together, and that had seemed to be enough.
But he knew now that ignoring William’s subdued state, beyond his obvious happiness at being home and reunited with Archie, had been foolish. He also realised, now, that his desire to just enjoy their time together, and hide from any unpleasant truths, had been cowardly, and had probably made things even more difficult for William and himself. It wasn’t something they had ever done, and starting to do so had been a mistake.
He wished he hadn’t pushed away his uneasiness when William had flinched when he’d come near his stump, wished he hadn’t swallowed his disappointment at William’s insistence that they made love with no candles, with the curtains tight closed against any moonlight, despite both being a major deviation from their normal behaviour.
Archie pushed away his regrets and resolved to stop hiding and face the problem head on.
With a renewed sense of resolve and purpose, he folded the letter carefully away, straightened his jacket and queue and headed on watch. He would be back on dry land in three days, and in Sheerness in five. He would persuade William that for him nothing had changed, that it never would. Archie had no intention of losing William, even if it meant fighting William himself, but he fervently hoped his lover’s common sense would reassert itself and that there would no need for a battle of any description.
******
Archie waited impatiently for William outside his office, glad of his coat as the wind bit into him. He knocked again, but still received no reply. He stamped his feet, trying to keep them from turning into blocks of ice, and decided to seek out someone who could tell him where William was. He collared a shipwright, who was taking a brief break at the nearby water-pump.
“Excuse me. I wondered if you knew where Captain Bush was?”
“Ahh, yes, sir. He’s with the Admiral, been away most of the afternoon. But he won’t be long. We knock off soon and he never misses checking how we’re doing. If you wait by his office, I’m sure he’ll be there shortly.”
It did Archie’s heart good to realise that despite everything William was feeling, he still took his job seriously.
“Thank you for your time.”
“No problem, Sir.” The shipwright hurried off, as if reminded he needed to get back to work with the imminent arrival of the Captain.
Archie returned to his vigil by the door, and hummed all the warm weather songs he knew.
Eventually his patience was rewarded, and his heart sped up as William limped slowly into view. Then as he came closer he felt a lurch of worry. William looked thinner and more drawn then he remembered, and seemed cloaked in weariness. He managed a weak smile as their eyes met. Archie began to step forward and then aborted the movement, conscious of the public location. William’s face softened into gentle affection, and Archie smiled, unable to resist the look. He soaked up the expression as if it had a physical presence. William’s smile strengthened in response to Archie's, and the lines around his face and mouth that new pain had left faded, his eyes lit by warmth - but all too quickly the expression was gone, replaced by the now painfully familiar uncertainty, that held too much grief. Archie felt bereft - the cold air seemingly even more pronounced then before.
“You must be freezing, Archie.” A touch of chilled skin to chilled skin was wholly welcome, but all too short, before William fiddled with the lock, his hands shaking slightly. Archie wondered at the awkwardness, and fervently hoped it was merely the cold, and not nerves.
William let them into his office, and Archie was relieved to see a fire burning in the hearth. He walked quickly over and gratefully warmed his numb hands, sighing happily as the warmth soaked into the rest of his body.
William joined him, shivering a little too much for Archie’s peace of mind. As his most pressing need was tended to, Archie’s curiosity as to the source of the fire was piqued. His continued knocking had received no reply.
“ I didn’t think anyone was in when I didn’t get an answer.”
“It would be my clerk who lit the fire. He is far too acquainted with my movements and seems to think I need looking after. I imagine he was too engrossed in his work to have heard you knock.” William checked the time, and added, “He will have left by the back door. He thinks only Captains and above should leave by the front.”
William’s dry, mildly exasperated, but still affectionate tone made Archie grin. It reminded him of how William spoke of Orrock. The man was an experienced and efficient first lieutenant now, well on his way to Captain, but William still treated him as the enthusiastic young Middy he had met on the Hotspur - and Orrock’s loyalty to William was undiminished. If the clerk could inspire that tone, Archie would definitely like to meet him.
William eyed him a little suspiciously and Archie quickly stifled the smile. “Well, I for one am suitably grateful to your clerk for his diligence!”
William’s slightly prickly manner faded, and his face relaxed into a smile. “Rollins is a good lad, just…over eager…”
****
Archie woke from a deep sleep, but didn’t open his eyes, merely groped automatically for William, only to find his side of the bed empty and cold to the touch. He opened his eyes, and sat up, fully roused now. He saw William, sat at his writing desk, staring at either something or nothing. The single candle that flickered feverishly did not give enough light to see much, and the curtains were tightly shut against the wind and cold.
“William?” Archie spoke softly, his voice still rough with sleep, but William turned at his call, and came limping back to the bed.
“I’m sorry Archie, I didn’t mean to disturb you…I’ll blow out the candle and come back to bed - it’s early yet. ”
William was as good as his word and crawled into bed. Archie shivered a little as he felt his lover’s chilled bones and pulled him close, sharing some of his heat. William attempted to relax against him but there was tension in every part of his body.
“What are you thinking, William?”
There was a long silence and Archie feared he would not receive an answer and resigned himself to having to ask again – but as he opened his mouth to repeat himself, William answered.
“Just - Archie,” William shuffled uncomfortably and Archie reluctantly let him go. He half expected William to get back out of bed, but after moving as far away as the bed allowed, he turned to face him. Archie could barely make out William’s features in the gloom but knew that his expression would be one of pain.
“What is it, William?”
“I would not blame you, if you didn’t visit anymore. Sheerness is some way from both Plymouth and Portsmouth…”
William trailed off, his body stiff and awkward with tension, his hands played uneasily with the sheet as he waited for Archie to answer.
Archie felt a sudden chill, followed by a hot flash of anger, both of which were quickly replaced by a sick feeling in his stomach.
“Is - is that what you want, William?” His voice sounded strange and distant to his ears, and a sense of panic that he had not experienced in some time swept over him, making it difficult to breathe.
Almost immediately there was a fleeting but firm grip on his suddenly clammy fingers, which reassured him as much as William’s emphatic verbal response.
“ No, Archie - of course it isn’t - I just…I wouldn’t blame you…I have very little to offer now...”
He trailed off miserably, and Archie was frustrated by the vulnerability that emanated from him - hated it even. Archie bit the back the frustrated anger that returned in full flight. He understood only too well how fragile self-worth was and he needed to keep that to the forefront of his mind, but William’s lack of confidence in their relationship seemed so unnecessary, so pointless. It was only now that he truly understood Horatio’s irritation with him, both in El Ferrol and in the months that followed his release.
“Well, I don’t want to stay away, William. I miss you. I sometimes have to pinch myself to believe that you’re alive.” Archie kept his tone matter of fact and calm, despite the very strong urge he had to shake some sense into his lover.
William snorted, and gave him a slight pinch on the arm, both of which were reassuring, despite the words that followed.
“I am definitely alive, Archie- but I am not the man I was. I don’t want…”
“Please don’t think I am here because I pity you William…Just… I love you.” Archie’s voice cracked, he hated to have to try and explain something that should be so obvious. He felt pain at the loss of certainty between them and despite his best intentions, sighed heavily, closing his eyes against a sudden wave of unhappiness.
There was a moment of awkward silence before Archie’s tension eased as William returned to his side, and brought his hand up to gently caress his face. Archie leaned into the touch, despite feeling ashamed at his need of comfort, when he felt he should be offering it. William, however, ignored his half formed protest and kissed him firmly. Archie felt the once familiar and deeply missed sensations of home; passion and contentment swept over him as William pulled him into an embrace.
They lay together like that for sometime, before William’s touches became less soothing; the gentle circles on Archie’s back altering into something more erotic. William’s hands slid down to his backside, cupping it as he pulled him closer. Archie groaned and arched into the touch, rubbing up against William’s answering erection. William’s touch became even more insistent, exploring, everywhere.
“What do you want, William?” Archie knew what he wanted, but was afraid to ask. In the times they’d been intimate since William’s return home, Archie had been in control. William had been content with Archie setting the pace. Archie’s attempts to encourage him to lead had only left them both frustrated. It had been difficult to adjust to, but it had seemed a small price to pay. Another thing Archie wished he had faced earlier.
William’s mouth was suddenly close to his ear, and the well loved demanding huskiness, sent Archie’s already sensitised nerves jangling with arousal.
“You.”
William kissed his ear, before moving to his cheek, feather light touches that served to arouse Archie more. He kissed Archie, and then moved away to reach for the oil at the side of the bed. Archie’s heart was thumping, with excitement, arousal and relief. It was almost like their first time all over again. He lay back and watched, his mouth half open, as William coated himself. He took his time and Archie bit his lip and groaned.
At the stifled groan, William returned to him, holding his head briefly and drawing him close for a long kiss that had Archie digging his nails hard into William’s back and panting heavily.
“Please.”
William’s laugh was warm and low. He encouraged Archie to hook his legs around his shoulders. As he obeyed, Archie briefly feared he would be too heavy for William to cope with in his weakened condition. But any thought was swept away as William eased two fingers in. His touch was just how imagined St Elmo’s fire must feel. Familiar heat swept through him at the craved for touch. The dull ache of loss, that he had tried to ignore whenever he and William had made love since they were reunited, faded away with the expression on William’s face.
“God, William, yes.” He thrust onto the fingers demanding more and William obliged. In an easy movement he slid inside, but instead of the pace Archie was craving, William’s rhythm was leisurely and gentle. Archie was soon begging for faster, urging William with his legs.
“William, please, just…”
“Soon, Archie, soon…”
William kept to the frustrating pace, in and out, applying slight pressure, then a little harder, before he returned to the slow and gentle rhythm, keeping control despite Archie’s increasingly frantic pleas and demands.
His control was seemingly absolute as Archie unravelled by degrees, giving himself freely, letting William’s passion anchor him. Archie was totally lost, incoherent and simply held on for the ride. His hands gripped William’s shoulders hard as he begged in a low litany of half spoken sounds. His breath lost as he arched in pleasure every time William hit the spot before drawing away, leaving him begging louder in the brief moments before the touch returned.
William’s control finally faltered as he sped up, his rhythm lost as he edged towards climax. William came with a bit back yelp hidden in Archie’s shoulder. The yelp tipped Archie over the edge and, unable to hold back, he screamed as he came, seeing stars and almost blacking out as he fell back against the pillows, gasping.
William carefully eased out and laid himself gently next to Archie, wincing at the pain in his stump. Archie felt a twinge of worry, but clamped down on it viciously, not letting it ruin the warm afterglow of what was definitely a return of his William.
In the growing dawn the pleased, and slightly smug, expression on William’s face was clear to see.
“Bastard!”
William smiled, and the gleam that Archie had missed was back in his eyes, as he claimed Archie’s mouth in a demanding kiss that Archie returned with interest.
Life was not going to be easy, but as Archie closed his eyes, he felt more hopeful than he had in well over a year.
